The Trinity

THIS IS THE SECOND
OF A FOUR-PART SERIES

Part 1:
Relatable Relationships

Part 3:
Getting Out of the Box

Part 4:
The Trickle-Down Effect

In continuing the discussion on relationships and marriage in law enforcement, I wanted to talk about the term I used last time called the “Trinity” – the big three reasons why we seem to have problems in our relationships with our spouses/significant others and our children.  Like I said, “this is hard stuff no one wants to talk about.” Those three, again, are:

• Stress of the job

• Uncertainty of the job, and

• Loss of communication

Stress of the Job

I think it important to open this topic with understanding that stress in and of itself is actually very healthy.  It allows individuals to go longer, push harder and achieve feats never before seen.  However, the flip side to the healthy aspect of stress is called distress.  This stress can have prolonged and negatively profound effects on our daily lives. 

It is widely held and commonly accepted knowledge that law enforcement is a “high stress” profession, right up there with fire, EMS, public safety dispatchers and soldiers.  The sights, sounds and experiences are not for the faint of heart.  I look at this through the lens of having been in combat and through my own law enforcement career.  While combat was grotesque and traumatic in and of itself, I witnessed the true depravity of man and what one can do to another as a police officer.  We hear and see way more than we want, and we wear many hats during our 8-, 10-, or 12-hour shifts.  It’s common knowledge that most officers and dispatchers bear witness to more traumatic events in a single shift than most members in our communities will witness in a lifetime.  In some recent studies, it was stated that after a 25-year career in law enforcement, an officer will have witnessed, or been a part of, over 180 traumatic events.  

This is just the operational side of the stress encountered on the job.  There is also organizational stress.  From the agency’s top executive all the way down to recruit at the academy, all feel some varying levels of organizational stress.  Worries and stressors over promotions, pay, relationships with co-workers, agency support, community support, political climate, what their role is within the organization, or even coming off recruit status all come into play with organizational stress. This compounds what stress is already there from day-to-day operational stress.  These stressing events can cause acute stress reactions such as depression, anxiety or fatigue; behavioral changes such as substance abuse, aggression (physically and/or verbally) or risky behaviors.  If left unattended, this can lead to chronic physical ailments such as heart disease, hypertension or diabetes.

Additionally, it can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  During all of this, officers stop communicating at home, often leaving spouses/significant others out in the dark and questioning whether or not their marriage or relationship to a cop is worth the stress that is being placed on themselves or their kids, if they have them.

Uncertainty of the Job

Next, we have the uncertainty of the job.  It is a term that may not be widely understood.  Every job has a level of uncertainty to it. “Will I get that promotion?”  “How many phone calls will the business get today?”  If you’re reading this and not in law enforcement, these may be the typical questions of uncertainty you ask yourself frequently.  However, if you are reading this and you are a cop, then you know exactly what I’m getting at.  For the layperson, what many of us in law enforcement recognize as “uncertainty of the job” is finally having a day off, having a quiet day, your spouse suggesting you and the family go out to dinner and spend time together. 

You sit down at the restaurant, place your order, the appetizers come out, the kids are laughing, you’re talking quietly with your spouse, and then your phone rings.  You look up at your spouse and you see all the joy drain from their face because they recognized the change in your demeanor like the flipping of a switch.  It’s work, there’s been an incident, and you have to go to work, for god knows how long.  You ask for the family’s food to be boxed up before it even arrives, the kids are crying because they are hungry, and you ask for the check as you sit there aggravated.  Not just at being called away, but the serving staff is seemingly taking forever, and YOU’VE GOTTA GO!  And who is it taken out on with a swift verbal lashing?  Your spouse, the kids and anyone else who comes across your path whom you feel is hindering you from getting the job done so you can get back home.

That is the “uncertainty of the job” that law enforcement and spouses discuss behind closed doors.  It’s not as simple as it is with other professions.  There are very few occupations in the world like law enforcement.  Most have the ability to be “off” when they are off. They have the ability to not answer their phone when their job calls them after hours or, better yet, turn their phone off. 

Police officers and first responders are duty-bound by oath and subject to recall at any hour day or night and can be required to work an exorbitant number of hours before finally crawling back in bed, usually on the couch so they don’t wake their spouse.  This is just the last minute call-outs.

Take into account shift work.  Now, there are plenty of professions that have shift work (i.e. factory workers, 24/7 stores and health care workers).  Generally, most businesses still shut down on federal holidays.  Law enforcement receive “floating holidays” to be used when, and if, manpower allows them to.  The ability to take off for Thanksgiving or Christmas is usually reserved for veteran officers, even then, they better put in to be off for Christmas the January prior…. eleven months out. 

So, you’re on shift work, but that’s subject to change.  You don’t get hired to work a certain shift like you would with a factory.  Some agencies do not keep permanent shifts.  Some agencies do shift rotations weekly, monthly, every six weeks, every three months or yearly.  Some even rotate days off. 

It is commonly known, or believed, that officers are adrenaline junkies.  The best shift to work to fulfill that need is the evening shift, typically a 2pm to 10pm, or 2pm to midnight if you’re working ten-hour shifts, but that’s the shift the officer selects to fulfill the adrenaline need.  Not exactly ideal hours for family life.  However, they can’t tell their spouse they selected those hours because that would cause another argument.  So, they put it on the agency and tell their spouse they had no choice, making it the agency’s fault.  Now, their spouse hates the agency, and this puts the officer and spouse at greater odds. 

Your shift and days off are all subject to change based on manpower and the current political climate of the city or county agency you work for.  Even vacations scheduled months in advance are subject to being canceled by an agency.  Some in other professions would say to just “call in sick” or tell them “you need a day off.”  In law enforcement, it’s easier said than done.  In those other jobs, if you call out, some shelves aren’t stocked, or they don’t meet their quota for the day.  Law enforcement is an animal all in itself.  If you call out sick or take a last-minute vacation day, staffing falls short.  Lower numbers in manpower creates greater danger for officers on the streets when handling a critical incident (which can happen at any second).  So, you don’t dare take a sick day or a last-minute vacation day to relax and spend time with the family.  What if something happens?  What if one of your friends is seriously injured or killed in the line of duty and you should have been there? I’ve never met an officer, deputy or dispatcher who would be able to live with themselves if that were to ever happen.

Loss of Communication

It starts fairly simple.  The law enforcement spouse comes home late at night after you’ve put the kids to bed and crawled into bed yourself.  They either come to bed immediately, or they stay out in the living room watching television, looking at social media on their phone, or playing a game on a gaming console, completely zoned out.  Either way, you don’t have the ability to discuss the day’s events with them.  When you do wake up, they are asleep, and you don’t want to disturb their slumber because you know they have to be back up in two hours and do it all over again.  This goes on for the better part of a week, and now by the time they have a day off the last thing they want to do is communicate.  They’ve spent the better part of forty-plus hours talking to people, or sorting out their problems for them; I mean, let’s face it, people don’t call for the police to tell them how excited they are their kid made it into college.  Officers just want to relax and recharge so they can do it all over again next week. 

Now, we take into account the other two factors I discussed earlier 1) Stress of the job, and 2) uncertainty of the job.  They are completely stressed beyond the max.  Dealing with not just the stress of responding to these incidents and horrendous scenes that stay with them, but the stress being added by the command staff and the current climate of the organization as well.  Now, let’s add some stress in there from their spouse and kids with demands of time for attention, and the infamous “honey do list.”  They can’t shut the stress off from work because…well, they can’t shut their phone off, remember they are subject to 24/7 recall.  Life at home is not so much life and death and the family seems to operate just fine without them…. it’s easier to shut off the communication from home.  Not being able to be “off” when they are off, adds to this communication barrier between officer and spouse. 

Oaths between family and job are in constant conflict inside the officer.  On one hand, “Yes, I swore to love, honor, cherish…till death do us part,” not really a whole lot of life and death decisions to be made there.  However, on the other hand, “I swore an oath to serve, protect, and defend,” which does create some serious implications on life and death decisions. 

I get it; it’s a lot to talk about, a lot to be worried about, and a lot to be aware of.  However, just because you’re experiencing these doesn’t mean it’s the end.  The stress encountered from traumatic events on the job and within the organization doesn’t mean you’re going to get that dreaded four-letter acronym (PTSD)….It certainly doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you and your career or relationship is over.  There are ways to work through the “Trinity”.  In the next installment, I am going to talk about ways to overcome them.  What we can do to build from where we are now, and give you some tools to be able to prevent the trinity from affecting you and your loved ones in the future.